My cousin’s sister-in-law, Christine, had contacted me several months ago telling me how touched she was at our story with Malaya. She later asked me to speak for a group of mothers who attended MOPS (Mothers of pre-schoolers) at her church where she was currently facilitating/leading a group. At first, I have to admit that I was quite hesitant. All these thoughts flooded my mind like, ‘What do I have to offer them? They have living children and are a step ahead of me.’ I then realized that those notions were irrational because what if God really wanted me to speak and tell our story? So, I said yes for the 18th of March.

(Side note) It’s interesting that since about high school I would daydream about being one of those motivational speakers who traveled around and told their stories about how God has changed their lives, but I always had a dilemma: what would I speak about? The irony is that I always thought I would be telling happy, positive stories and instead my story tears at the heart…but I guess somehow still motivates.

As I mulled over in my head and also as I started drafting what I would be saying to these women I would cry. It was difficult to slowly go through the steps of what happened and re-live some of the strangest and saddest moments of my life. It’s not so strange now, but I remember as I was going through my “valley of the shadow of death” everything was foreign. The journey seemed so uncertain and life, by my previous definition of it, was completely turned upside down. I also realized that where I was in my pregnancy (around 25 weeks) was the time when King and I found out the bad news about Malaya. I was kinda caught off guard, not thinking that this would be another one of the milestones (like the one year death anniversary) that I might have to face crazy emotions. I wept, then wept some more. It was so cleansing because I no longer consider grief as an enemy. I’ve made peace with grief and all that comes with her.

So, anyway, I’m done preparing and head over to San Juan Capistrano. As the ladies started to trickle in and I meet some of them whatever nervousness I had starts to dissipate because they were all quite friendly and as they joked around and caught up with each other I found that they were just like me and my friends. We ate breakfast and then it was time for me to start.

I won’t go through all of what I said on that day. It was pretty much the story of the journey from finding out we were pregnant with Malaya, going through her death and grief, up until the present. What was a little different is that I believed that God lead me to use the story of Job and how I could relate to some of his loss-especially of his children. I didn’t claim to have our stories parallel, but some of the things he said spoke deeply to me during this season of sorrow. For example, when he found out that he had lost all of his livestock, his servants, and then his children it says:

At this, Job got up and tore his robe and shaved his head. Then he fell to the ground in worship and said:
“Naked I came from my mother’s womb,
and naked I will depart.
The LORD gave and the LORD has taken away;
may the name of the LORD be praised.”

This was not my first reaction to what happened with us, yet it was a desire in both King’s and my heart that we would always see God as worthy of our praise no matter what highs or lows we were in. Job (in addition to his losses) was then covered in boils and instead of cursing God, he acknowledged that he was able to have the faith that God was there and I saw this when he said with hope:

I know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.

And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet  in my flesh I will see God;

I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!

Somehow God gave us eyes to be able to see Him in our distress and brokenness. We also held on to the hope of being able to hope in Him.

As I spoke I cried and I saw them crying, too. This was an healing experience for me because I felt like their hearts filled with compassion as they wept with me and it was as if I could sense Jesus was so close to all of us. Later on, some came up to me and told me the points that specifically spoke to them and I was amazed.  In between telling our story I showed our “Glory Baby” video and then also led them in singing “Blessed be Your Name” .

My heart was happy also that I was able to share my daughter, Malaya, with them. It was wonderful to say her name and introduce them to her and speak about how she has changed my life. One of my friends who lost her baby said it well that it was a blessing to me because we rarely get to talk about our babies. Even though she is no longer with us (oh, here come the tears again) her life is STILL able to give testimony of our good God. I love you, my sweet Malaya.

After I was done speaking the women gathered around me, placed their hands on me (one even had her hands on my pregnant tummy ! ) and they prayed for me, King, baby #2, and thanked God for Malaya. My tears fell so freely. (hehe and you know how stuff comes out of your nose, too? Yup…there was no way for me to wipe it and I chuckled to myself that the thought entered my head as to whether or not I should lick it…hehe anyway…tmi, right?) I felt SO loved by God and by these women who were no longer strangers, but quickly proved themselves to be sisters. If any of you are reading this, thank you for giving me the opportunity to share with you and thank you for sharing your experiences and tears with me. You have all blessed me tremendously and I will never ever forget that time with you. Christine, thank you for asking me to speak. You’re a great leader and friend.

If given the opportunity to speak again I would do it. I know that God doesn’t find joy in the pain that we go through. He walks with us through it…Actually, I felt like I was carried more than I walked. And now I can say with conviction that God never wastes our pain. I’m healed in a new way because of that day and am so grateful for it.